Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
