Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
