good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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