I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
