found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
