I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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