i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
