i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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