You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
