the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
