the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Please don't give away my fajitas
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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