i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
