I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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