Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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