I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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