I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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