So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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