i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
