Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
