i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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