I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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