I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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