Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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