I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.