very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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