yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
