How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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