The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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