She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
