Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
