im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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