wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
