I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
We got so high we made milksteak
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
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I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
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THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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