Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
last night I used snow as a chaser
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
