You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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