do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
