My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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