We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
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We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
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...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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