you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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