i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
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Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
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Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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