you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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