so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
