dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
