best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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