he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
