i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
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I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
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Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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