Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
