I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
