Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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