Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
