A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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