glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
What a dumb baby whore.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
