her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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