Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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