Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
