When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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