I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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