just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
