Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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